


I’m everything that I am because of you

by justhockey



Series: Sing To Me Instead [9]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, But he loves Tyler a lot, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Important Life Choices, Jamie Benn is Bad at communicating, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Oft this is angsty, ish, they talk about their problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 05:41:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: “Why are you unpacking my case?” Tyler asks eventually, when Jamie is hanging up Tyler’s clothes in the closet.“Because I don’t want you to leave,” he says honestly.“You left first.”





	I’m everything that I am because of you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _In Case You Don’t Live Forever_ by Ben Platt.

Losing sucks. Losing in double overtime in game seven _really fucking sucks_. 

Jamie was beyond mad at himself after the game, when they were sitting in the locker room feeling numb and defeated. He was the captain, he was supposed to lead the team and he’d not done enough. Not enough goals or assists, not enough grit, not enough determination. He just hadn’t tried hard enough. 

He said so to the guys, apologised to them, especially to Bish, who’d been a fucking brick wall all season but particularly in that last game. 

They hadn’t wanted to hear it. 

It had been silent up until that point, then suddenly _every_ fucker had something to say. Miro had thanked him for an incredible first season, Spezza had patted him on the back and told him he should be proud, Zucc had thanked Jamie for making him feel valued from the get-go. The amount of respect he had from his teammates was unparalleled. 

But none of what they said came close to what Tyler did. The way he pulled him into bed that night in their hotel room, wrapped his arms so tightly around Jamie that he could barely breathe, and pressed soft kisses down the back of his neck and along the tops of his shoulders until the tension finally left his body. 

He loved his team, but their words paled in comparison to the feeling of Tyler holding him, whispering words of love and comfort and praise into his ear. 

“You did _so good_ ,” Tyler had said. 

Jamie laughed bitterly, “I was fucking shit.”

He could feel Tyler shake his head and wriggle impossibly closer, “No baby, you weren’t, you carried us so far.”

Jamie opened his mouth to argue but Tyler started speaking again before he even got the chance. 

“No, shut up. You’re the captain in the locker room and on the ice, but in here you’re gonna listen to me, okay?” Tyler paused so Jamie nodded, “Okay. You were fucking _unreal_ Jamie, you’ve been a beast all season, you fucking _destroyed_ the Preds, and we were _so close_ tonight. We got this far because of you. Stop fucking shitting on yourself.”

Jamie would normally argue, because. Well. That’s what they do. His mom says it’s healthy, or whatever. But he didn’t want to this time, and shit. Even if he did he was too choked up to even get a word out. 

“I love you,” he managed to murmur against Tyler’s skin as he pressed a kiss to his arm. 

“I love you too.”

*

So they’d both been a little miserable, but that was okay. They were miserable together and then they cheered up together. After spending a few days in bed, promising they were going to go all the way next year - and _shit_ Jamie really believed that they could - they bounced back. 

Jamie is alone when he wakes up in Tyler’s lake house in Ontario ( _it’s_ ours _now Jamie_ ). He slowly makes his way down the stairs and is greeted by a very enthusiastic Gerry followed by a slightly less giddy Cash, and Marshall barely even bothers to lift his head in greeting. 

Tyler’s running shoes are missing from where he’d left them by the French doors yesterday, so Jamie knows he’s gone out for a run. Never for the life of him will he understand why his boyfriend wakes up so early to _run_ during the off season, especially seeing as he never fails to complain the second he gets back home. Jamie smiles a little thinking about it, but then quickly schools his face because what the fuck Jamie? Stop acting like a teenage girl. 

While he waits for the coffee machine to brew a pot he leans against the counter, scrolling lazily through instagram. 

He’s not really paying much attention until. Well. That’s _Auston fucking Matthews_ and _Mitch fucking Marner._ They’re cuddled up by a fire, Mitch’s head resting on Auston’s shoulder, and Auston is kissing his head gently. 

Jamie can’t breathe, can’t believe he’s really seeing what he thinks he is. 

His eyes flicker to the time stamp and sees that it was posted at three in the morning. His first thought is that it’s a drunken post that they’re _really_ going to regret, but when he checks Mitch’s insta there’s another picture of them, this time posted just twenty minutes ago. It’s impossible to see the pictures as anything other than a coming out, and when he checks the Maple Leafs twitter account he sees the tweet of support from them. 

_Holy fuck._

Matthews and Marner are dating. Not only are they dating, but they’re _out_. And like, Hyman and Nylander are also out - how the _fuck_ are there two couples on one team? - but they didn’t have a choice, they were outed against their will. But Marns and Matts? They _chose_ to come out, in two very deliberate, very admittedly adorable posts. 

Jamie can’t fucking believe it. Can’t believe that two people just _willingly_ came out in the NHL. It’s not something he ever thought he would see. Like, it was fucking unreal when Zach and Willy just ran with it and made sure everyone knew they were together and proud, it took Jamie’s breath away, the thought that maybe one day that could be him. And now? Wow. 

He’s kind of frozen to the spot when Tyler arrives back home, sliding open the French doors, toeing off his shoes, and grinning when he sees that Jamie is awake. 

“Good morning to me,” Tyler leers, looking a shirtless Jamie up and down with a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

Jamie feels nervous all of a sudden, overwhelmed. It’s a lot to take in, and he’s not sure if Tyler already knows or how he’s going to respond when he finds out.

“Have you checked instagram or twitter today?” Jamie asks, finally making eye contact with Tyler. 

He looks annoyingly good, to be honest. No one should look sexy after coming back from a run at ten in the morning, yet here Tyler is. He’s sweaty and flushed, with a sprinkle of freckles decorating the bridge of his nose from the Ontario summer. His hair is damp with sweat, but it’s free from product so it’s curling prettily, a single ringlet sticking to his forehead. His boyfriend is a fucking work of _art_. 

“No,” Tyler says, pausing to gulp half a bottle of gatorade, “why?”

Jamie pulls open Instagram and finds the post, then almost fumbles his phone as he hands it over to Tyler so he can look at it. 

He watches Tyler’s face for a response. He takes a few minutes to look at the picture and then read the caption, clearly as surprised as Jamie was if the way his eyes widen and eyebrows rise is anything to go by. 

“Holy shit,” Tyler eventually says, handing back Jamie’s phone. 

“I know.”

“This is fucking _huge_ babe,” Tyler says.

He sounds a little breathless, and Jamie isn’t sure whether it’s from the run or the news. He’s smiling almost dazedly, like he’s not sure if he should be happy or not, but he can’t quite stop himself. 

“Guess there’s something in the water in Toronto,” Jamie jokes, not really sure what else to say or do. 

“I think it’s sweet,” Tyler admits, hoisting himself up so he’s sitting on the counter in front of Jamie. “They look really in love, they’re obviously proud of it.”

Jamie nods in agreement, because it’s true. The looks on their faces are all too familiar, because he’s seen Tyler look at him like that a thousand times, and he knows he looks at Tyler like that basically every time he sees him. He’s pretty sure he even knows the exact way they were feeling when the photo was taken, warm and happy, completely content surrounded by their friends who accept them unreservedly. 

“Yeah, they do,” Jamie agrees. 

Tyler chuckles and makes grabby hands at Jamie, fluttering his eyelashes until he steps forward and Tyler wraps his arms around Jamie’s neck and locks his legs around his thighs. Tyler leans forward and mouths kisses along Jamie’s jaw, nibbling lightly until Jamie laughs and pulls back. 

“You stink,” Jamie chuckles as he pushes Tyler’s curls out of his face. 

“But you love me,” Tyler retorts, running his nose up the line of Jamie’s neck. 

“I’d love you more if you showered.”

“Ugh, _fine_ ,” Tyler groans, jumping off the counter and turning to leave the kitchen.

Tyler is the very definition of ‘hate to see you go, love to watch you leave’, because his ass and thighs are truly something else. 

“You know,” Tyler says, pausing to turn around and look at Jamie, “We should do that.”

Jamie freezes. 

“What?”

Tyler laughs, “Post a sexy selfie on insta.”

He’s laughing, probably teasing Jamie, but his blood still runs cold. The thought of everyone knowing their business, of everyone seeing them and knowing what they get up to, people judging them, immediately seeing them as ‘the gay hockey players’ instead of just being fucking talented. It’s terrifying. It’s way too much. They don’t live and work in Toronto. Dallas is different. They know that, they’ve _discussed_ it.

“We talked about this,” Jamie says. 

Tyler just laughs, “Chill out Jamie.”

“Don’t tell me to _chill out_ Tyler, what the fuck? We talked about this, Dallas isn’t fucking Toronto, we _can’t_.”

The smile on Tyler’s face falters when he realises it’s no longer a joke, hardens into something angry. 

“What happened to me being worth all the consequences? Because that’s what you said, that morning after the video of Hyman and Nylander came out,” Tyler challenges him. 

Tyler is right, of course. Jamie had missed Tyler so much, and it felt like being together was actually possible after the YCP video, and he’d meant every single word he’d said that day. God, of _course_ he had. But they’d also talked about it, how things were different in the south and how it would never be as easy for them as it had been for Zach and Willy (of course they hadn’t had it easy, but _easier_ than Jamie and Tyler ever would). They’d agreed not to come out. And now Tyler was changing his mind?

“We agreed not to,” Jamie says his voice scratchy. 

Tyler rolls his eyes, “Jamie listen-“

“I have to go.”

“Jamie, what are you doing?”

He feels like he’s suffocating, like there isn’t enough oxygen in the room to fill his lungs. He grabs the hoodie that had been tossed over the back of the couch and pulls it on over his head, not bothering with a t-shirt. He stuffs his feet into his shoes and, ignoring Tyler calling his name behind him, walks out. 

*

Jamie has been walking around the lake for maybe an hour. He feels sick for at least four different reasons. Mainly the fact that he walked out on Tyler as he was asking him not to leave. Because he’s a fucking _dick_ apparently. Like the dickiest of dicks. The Supreme Dick, if you will. Because Tyler did _not_ fucking deserve that. He’d made a joke (probably) and Jamie had lost his shit. 

He hadn’t meant to. Like, he _really_ hadn’t. He loves Tyler more than he’s ever loved anything in his life, and, terrifyingly, that includes hockey. He never wants to hurt him. It’s just. It’s a lot, the thought of coming out. And it’s one thing to talk about it hypothetically, but to be actually faced with it, with Tyler suggesting that they just do it? That’s too much. 

Like, okay. On the ice Jamie is fucking tough. He’ll drop gloves with anyone and everyone with absolutely zero hesitation, he’s not afraid to grind, or go to the corners. On the ice he’s a beast, is what he’s trying to say. And he’s not trying to be arrogant, it’s just the truth. But no one ever said that it translates off ice. 

Because off ice he’s soft, okay. He’s not afraid to admit it. And honestly? Right now it wouldn’t be a stretch to call him a coward. He wants people to like him, and generally people do, but that’s likely to change if people find out about him and Tyler. He knows that on the whole people have been accepting of Willy and Zach, and the comments he’s seen on twitter and insta about Mitch and Auston seem generally positive as well. But. Well. Jamie is scared. 

He pauses and turns to face the lake, looks across to Tyler’s lake house - _their_ house, he reminds himself. He thinks of Tyler inside, hurting and mad at Jamie for walking out, and he hates himself. When they got back together, after Jamie had fucked up monumentally the first time, Tyler had told him, made him promise that he wasn’t going to run the next time things got scary. Jamie had told him he was never going to leave again. 

_Fuck_. He’d done the exact thing he’d promised Tyler he would never do. And for what? When he’d said Tyler was worth any and all consequences, he’d meant it. Being in the closet, keeping their relationship hidden, all it was doing was causing them problems, and Tyler was worth so much more than that. 

Things would be okay, and even if they weren’t, he’d have Tyler. 

*

Jamie is breathless by the time he reaches the house and he’s beginning to understand why Tyler still runs during the off season. Tyler is nowhere to be found when he finally steps inside the house. The empty cup he’d left on the counter before walking out is still there but the coffee machine has been switched off at the socket. 

The dogs are sleeping on the couch when Jamie passes through the living room, and he leans over the back to give them each a head scratch. 

“Where’s your dad, huh?” He asks.

All he gets is a whine from Gerry. The other two just ignore him completely. As much as the dogs love him, they’ll always be Tyler’s babies, so he’s clearly in the doghouse. A thump from upstairs tells Jamie that’s where Tyler is, so he gives them one final head scratch each then takes the staircase two at a time, barging into their bedroom when he makes it upstairs. 

He stops dead when he takes in the sight in front of him. 

Tyler has his back to Jamie but it’s impossible to miss the suitcase wide open on the bed, and all the clothes that Tyler is stuffing into it. He’s leaving. Shit shit shitshit _shit_. 

“Tyler,” Jamie says quietly, his voice breaking. 

Tyler stills but he doesn’t turn around, just stands motionless, as if he’s waiting for Jamie to say or do something else. To leave, maybe. But he’s walked out on Tyler for the last time. 

“Ty, can you look at me please?”

He doesn’t move at first, and Jamie feels his stomach start to twist, but after a moment or two Tyler turns around. And then Jamie’s stomach drops completely. Because Tyler is crying. His eyes are rimmed red, his cheeks are damp from tears and he’s sniffling quietly. Jamie fucking hates himself for doing this to Tyler again. 

“Tyler,” he repeats, and Tyler’s face crumples. 

“What?”

“Why are you packing?” Jamie asks, even though he already knows the answer. 

Tyler laughs even though nothing is funny, and Jamie feels his heart break a little. He needs to make things right, like, yesterday. 

“You left,” Tyler says. “You walked out on me, _again_ , while I was calling your name and asking you to stay.” His voice cracks, with Jamie’s heart alongside it. 

“I didn’t, Tyler no, I didn’t mean - I wasn’t.” Jamie takes a breath so he can get his thoughts in order before trying to speak again. “I didn’t mean we were _done_ Tyler, I just freaked out, I needed room to breathe.”

Jamie reaches out to touch Tyler but he flinches and pulls away, moving so the bed is in between them. Tyler is still crying and Jamie is desperate to fix it, to make everything better. He never wants to see Tyler hurting again, especially not because of him. That’s happened too many times already, and he _knows_ he needs to make it up to him. 

“You promised Jamie, you _promised_ you wouldn’t run again if you got scared. I made a fucking _joke_ and you walked out on me!”

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry,” Jamie says, stepping forwards again, “I know, okay? I know I promised, and I know I broke that promise. You have absolutely no reason to trust me after that, and I know I’m gonna need to prove to you that I won’t do it again, but I’m telling you right now, I’m not gonna walk again, and I’ll spend the rest of our lives proving it to you.”

Tyler is crying, his shoulders are shaking up and down and Jamie wants nothing more than to take him in his arms and hold him. But he also know that Tyler needs, _deserves_ space, after Jamie has fucked with him so much. 

He doesn’t say anything else for a while, just lets Tyler think in silence. He does start to unpack the clothes that Tyler had been folding into the suitcase though. He would never force Tyler to stick around if he didn’t want to, he can always pack again if he really wants to leave, but he wants Tyler to really see that Jamie didn’t mean it, that he doesn’t want Tyler to go. Not now, not ever. 

“Why are you unpacking my case?” Tyler asks eventually, when Jamie is hanging up Tyler’s clothes in the closet. 

“Because I don’t want you to leave,” he says honestly. 

“You left first.”

It’s true, of course, but that doesn’t make the blow any easier to take. 

“I know, but I promise you I was coming back. I just needed to think.”

Tyler doesn’t move towards Jamie, but he does step out of the corner and sit on the bed, his legs crossed underneath him as he watches Jamie unpacking for him. He doesn’t try to stop him though, which Jamie is taking as a win for now. 

Once he’s finished he shoves the suitcase back under the bed. He has nothing to do with his hands now though, so he stands awkwardly for a moment, and then sits down on the bed. He doesn’t try to sit next to Tyler or touch him, but sitting in silence without Tyler yelling or leaving is enough for Jamie, for now. 

“You were coming back?” Tyler asks, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Jamie looks him dead in the eyes when he answers, “I was coming back, I’ll always come back to you, Ty.”

“I’m scared that you’re gonna keep leaving me,” he admits, sounding more vulnerable than Jamie has ever heard him before. 

He takes that as his cue to reach out for Tyler. He crawls across the bed until he reaches him, and then without hesitation he tugs Tyler into his arms and holds on tight. He hears Tyler sniffle again, feels him shake as he cries into Jamie’s arms. 

“I know, I know baby. I’m sorry, I’m so _so_ sorry. You deserve better than this, than me being a fucking idiot who can’t keep his shit together. But I love you so much, I promise you I will _never_ do this to you again,” Jamie promises as he holds him. 

“You said that last time.”

Which is true, again. He had said that, and then he’d broken his promise. So Tyler has absolutely no reason to believe him, but he’s praying that he does anyway. 

“I know.”

He doesn’t try to make any more excuses or give any more explanations because he’s already said it all. He doesn’t want to turn the apology into making himself feel better, rather than actually about being Tyler. All he does is agree, because it’s true, and because Tyler deserves to be listened to and acknowledged, not talked over. 

So he stays quiet whilst Tyler lays in his arms, thinking, Jamie assumes. He doesn’t move or speak, he just gives Tyler the time to think about things and make the first move, whatever that first move may be. 

It’s maybe ten minutes that they stay there like that in silence, until Jamie feels Tyler’s fingers gently start to trace a pattern into the skin of his arm. He lets his mouth curve into a small smile but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even move, just lets Tyler be in control. 

“Jamie?”

He almost jumps when Tyler finally breaks the silence. 

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t break my heart again.”

Jamie smiles properly this time. He takes hold of Tyler’s chin and tilts his head so he can kiss him, slowly, deeply, like he’s saying all of the things that are too big and scary to say out loud, and hoping Tyler can hear them. 

*

They’d had plans to go out on the lake and do some fishing but they’d given it a miss, instead staying home all day with the dogs, cuddled up on the couch watching trashy movies. They’d barely been apart for the entire day, Tyler being clingier than usual, like he sometimes was when he was feeling particularly insecure. Jamie didn’t mind, in fact he loved it. Not that he’d made him feel insecure about their relationship, but that Tyler was trusting Jamie to make it better again. 

Jamie had cooked them steaks on the grill and they’d eaten them on the patio while the dogs played in the garden, but they’d moved inside once the sun started to go down and the temperature had dropped a little. 

They’re laying out on the couch now, Jamie on his back and Tyler on his side, his head resting on Jamie’s shoulder and his arm swung over his chest, their legs so tangled together Jamie can hardly tell who’s who. It’s perfect. It’s all Jamie wants for the rest of his life, he realises. 

Hockey is his passion, he’s loved it since he was three years old and he’ll love it until the day he dies, but it’s not Tyler. When hockey is going wrong, when they’re playing bad, when the lose in the playoffs, he gets to go home with Tyler and still have something good. He knows that he could never play another game of hockey in his life and he’d be okay as long as he had Tyler by his side, but not having Tyler? That’s just not an option anymore. 

“You’re right,” Jamie says, breaking the peaceful silence they’d been enjoying. 

“I usually am,” Tyler teases, “but what about this time?”

“We should come out.”

There’s a pregnant pause, and then Tyler shifts so he’s propped up on his elbow and looking at Jamie. He’s got a slight frown on his face but he doesn’t look mad, he just lifts a hand up and starts to trail his fingers over Jamie’s face, his touch so gentle it makes Jamie’s breath catch. 

“We don’t have to,” Tyler replies. 

He can’t help but smile as Tyler runs his fingers over Jamie’s lips. 

“I know, but I think that we should,” Jamie continues. 

And he really does. Because keeping them a secret has almost caused him to lose Tyler twice, and he’s not prepared for that. He’s prepared for hate from the fans, from other players on the ice, he’s even prepared to lose his career. But he’s not willing to lose Tyler. 

“Jamie I don’t want to force you into this,” Tyler says, his hand slowing to a stop on the side of Jamie’s neck. 

“You’re not forcing me.”

“This is a big change from this morning, babe,” Tyler says. 

And it’s not really, it’s just a big change from how he’s expressing himself. Because that day so long ago when he’d promised Tyler he was worth it, nothing at all had changed since then, except maybe Jamie loved him even _more_ now. It’s just that he’s had more time to think about it and process it, and he’s certain it’s what he wants. 

“I promise you I want this, I want to come out. I want everyone to know that you’re mine.”

The smile that spreads across Tyler’s face my Jamie’s heart skip a beat, it’s so beautiful. Jamie doesn’t have chance to say anything before Tyler’s mouth is on his, kissing him softly in between laughing. 

“Really? You’re sure?” Tyler asks, laughing like he can’t believe it. 

“Never been so sure of anything, baby,” Jamie replies, laughing as well. 

They haven’t spoken to their agents or management or anything, which is something you’re probably supposed to do when making life changing decisions, but they don’t want to give them the time to try and talk them out of it. So instead, they just decide to go for it. It’s not the most sensible thing they’ve ever done, but Tyler has also done way, _way_ worse. So really Tyler’s agent should be thanking him, if anything. 

They take a selfie, because they don’t have amazing friends to take a picture of them like Auston and Mitch clearly do (Tyler is definitely going to complain about that in the group chat later). But it’s cute none the less; they’re laying down on the couch, with Tyler’s face pressed into his neck, his grin visible from the stars, and Gerry on the other side having leaned over the arm of couch, his tongue lolling out in a smile. Jamie is laughing too, and they look so happy that Jamie aches in the best way. 

They know it’s cheesy - and definitely copying Matthews and Marner - but they open up Instagram on Jamie’s phone so they can post it. He’s not one for creative captions, despite what Tyler is trying to get him to write, so he ignores him in favour of sticking with his, uh, theme ( _it’s not a_ theme _Jamie, you’re just not creative_ ). 

_**jamiebenn14:** family portrait💚🐾_

Jamie lets Tyler press the button to post it, then he immediately turns his phone off and puts it on the coffee table. They know they’re gonna have a lot to deal with, between both their agents, Stars PR, the fans, and friends and family, but they can deal with it later. Right now all they care about is being with each other. 

“We just did that,” Tyler sighs, letting out a giggle. 

Jamie kisses him mid-laugh. “We just did that,” he repeats. 

“I love you,” Tyler says, burying his head in the crook of Jamie’s neck. 

“I love you more.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so sad they lost, and in double OT as well, that really sucks for them :(
> 
> Yet again I had to fiddle with the timeline a bit to make it match up, so sorry if that bothers you!


End file.
